Let’s just say that 50,000 units of Vitamin D a day has some unpleasant side effects.  And it’s only been ONE WEEK!  *sigh*

I was chatting with one of the other trainers at the gym and told him about my Vitamin D related “issues” – and he told me about a Chiropractor/Kinesiologist he sees and suggested I try him.  So I’m pondering it.  Not planning on ignoring what my doctor is telling me, I’m thinking of the other doctor being more of an augment to my health plans.

I’m also in the midst of my third day of anxiety attacks about my upcoming unemployment – so there have been A LOT of sweets consumed, which also makes me feel like SHITE.  I’ve got a line on a couple different jobs, but who knows if they will come to anything.

I told the Evil Trainer when I saw him today that if I’m still unemployed at the end of March, I’m going to have to stop seeing him until I get a job.  I’ll talk with HP tomorrow about Pilates – I’m paid up for I think 5-6 more sessions, so if I don’t have a job by the time I have used those up, no more Pilates either.  But I’m hoping it won’t come to that!

Realistically Thursday is my last day working.  I need to talk to the partner at the company I’m subcontracting to about how to handle support after that – but right now she’s dealing with a husband in the hospital because of his Crohns, and a daughter who’s also dealing with serious problems because of Crohns, so I just don’t feel right bringing her MY drama.  Honestly I don’t know how she handles everything life has thrown at her the past 4-5 months.  I’m just thankful I have my health!  You can always find work, but good health is a whole lot harder to regain

Still struggling BIG TIME with getting my eating under control – I just give up most days.  No  – I have not been spending days in the arms of Pizza or Fast Food, but I haven’t been eating healthy in spite of my vow to do so.

I think part of the problem is the clutter in my house – EVERYWHERE!  It currently just feels overwhelming so I just watch TV or knit and try to ignore it – which means I don’t want to cook because then I’d have MORE to clean.  I’m not at risk for being on Hoarders yet – but it’s far worse than I ever let it get.  It helps keep my stress level high…  But it looks like I’ll have some time in March to put things in order – I’ll have to do SOMETHING to pass the days – hopefully something other than sitting on the couch….

Okay – off to soak in the tub and try to relax in the hopes I can sleep tonight…

Usually I’m a BIG fan of cold and snow – but I’m so ready for spring… Thankfully the days are getting longer and it’s no longer dark at 4 in the afternoon!  But I’m ready for green and gardening and rain.

I think a lot of my longing for spring is because of the bad winter funk I’ve been dealing with.  But I have to admit I *think* the antidepressant has started to help.  I don’t feel like I’m full of rainbows and puppies, but I’m definitely feeling less dark.  But the cold just makes me want to stay curled up under a blanket in front of the fire.

So with it snowing here in Denver, and me only working a half day at home, guess where I didn’t go?  That’s right!  The gym… for cardio.  But I’m bringing my workout gear with me tomorrow and I’m stopping at the gym on the way home – PINKY SWEAR!

Looks like I may have an interview for a job this week.  And hopefully another one I was submitted for as well.  I’ve learned to not get my hopes up, so I guess I’ll see if either pans out…  I’m not a pessimist, I just firmly believe if I get all hopeful and confident, I’ll jinx things.  :)

And I’m still trying to figure out how to get my focus & motivation back.  I’ve been “trying” to lose weight since August of 2009, and I’ve lost just under 15 pounds and 21″ – and while the inch loss is wonderful, the pounds lost is pathetic!  I know I can do better if I can just somehow motivate myself.  I’m hoping that doing the cardio and seeing progress with it (i.e., endurance) will help.

In an allegedly good way…  HP was working on stretching my hammies and working on building up the strength of my inner things…  But bottom line?  MY ASS HURTS!  Everything she had me do involved it being clenched, and an hour of of clenching means MY ASS HURTS.  :D

And I get to do it all again tomorrow morning.  (I’m doing make up Pilates for sleeping right though my session last week)

I meant to weigh-in this morning, but honest to god forgot.  I got completely out of the habit in December… Perhaps tomorrow I’ll remember.

Didn’t find any jobs to apply for today, and I can’t spend all my time sitting on the couch not doing anything until I have a job again, so I need to figure out how to spend my time once my contract is over.

Perhaps it’s time to get my ass back into the pool and swim.  I’ll bet the pool won’t be busy during the day… And since I’m paying for a damn gym membership that I don’t ever use… Hopefully swimming will not make my knee hurt like the damn stationary bike & elliptical make it hurt.

And perhaps I’ll bang out some more items on my 101 in 1001 list – like unpacking the rest of the damn boxes, and getting the decluttering done.. and knitting, and do some painting and drawing… too early to garden – God I hope I’m not still unemployed when it IS time to garden….

I’ve decided in the job hunt to REALLY focus on a job doing what I want to do – and what I think I want to do is Project Management.  System Administration will be my backup – I’ll still look for jobs as an SA, but I’m only going to apply for ones that really sound interesting, not just for any SA job I’m qualified for.  I’m hopeful that the law of averages will be on my side, and if I apply for enough PM jobs, ONE of them will work out for me.

Trying to stay positive here…

Feeling only slightly less “dark” than yesterday, and I almost broke into tears when I was working with the Evil Trainer today (for NO reason), and I purged last night (dammit!)…

BUT I’ve made an appointment with a doctor.  Haven’t been happy with my old doctor so I picked a new one which a friend recommended – and it turns out she’s been one of the top rated Denver docs… So maybe she will actually do more than just tell me that losing weight will fix everything.

I also made an appointment for a mammogram, and a dental appointment as well.  And if I can figure out if my insurance will pay for a dermatologist visit for a mole check, I’ll be making that appointment as well.  I’m paying what seems like an obscene amount for insurance, so I’m going to use every single benefit I can!

The Evil Trainer is worried about me – he hugged me when we were done today – and hugging is something he and I don’t do.  We cuss each other, call each other names, flip the bird, etc, but never hug…so I almost cried from that….damn him…

I have Pilates tomorrow morning and again on Saturday morning, and i’ve seen the Evil Trainer twice this week already (he’s going hunting AGAIN).  So I’m trying to force myself to keep these appointments rather than just sit home alone watching TV.

I applied for yet another job today – and I’ve got a call to return tomorrow from a recruiter.  Butbased on past experiences with these kinds of calls, I’m not putting any hope into it.  It seems they usually are just collecting names & resumes.

I also am trying to think ‘out of the box’ with a job – I explored the openings at the hospitals in my area (I live in a hospital-rich area) – but although I did find a couple tech jobs I could do, they aren’t jobs I’d want to do… So I’ll just keep looking and trying to identify companies I’d like to work for… Nothing much more I can do other than keep trying…

I guess that’s enough mindless rambling….