SPINNING!

The class was fun, and I’m totally hooked now!  I’ve got about 5 oz of handspun yarn drying in the bathroom, and I’ve just spinning 3 oz more, and I have another 3 oz left to spin and finish.

It’s so totally relaxing to do. I spin and I don’t think about my funk or the holidays or anything – I just spin, and relax.

My First Handspun

I haven’t fallen off the wagon – okay, maybe once or twice I was being drug just a bit, but I’m still trying to work on my eating habits, and working out.  The Evil Trainer kicked my ass hard tuesday, and I see him again tomorrow morning, and then Pilates Saturday morning.  Pilates is going to be tough because I have a dinner party for a friend’s birthday to attend Friday evening, so I’ll have to not imbibe much or stay out godawful late.  I knitted him a scarf for his present – it’s very nice if I do say so myself:

Scarf for Steve

I’m just going to hold on for the next couple weeks through the holiddays, and (hopefully) get my weightloss groove back after the first of the year.  ET didn’t do December measurements, so we are going to do them first session in January.  I also have not been weighing myself – but I suspect I’m still hovering at around 355 based on the way my pants are fitting.  Haven’t been tracking my food either – well, other than a couple run-ins with fast food, and a binge.  But really, I’m doing well compared to how I usually am during the holidays, so I’m just going to focus on the positive!

No, not “that” groove…  My weight loss groove.

I’m tired of feeling sorry for myself because I’m not losing the weight.  I’m tired of the excuses, and feeling like a failure.  So enough bitching and moaning.  Time to focus on being positive and on making good changes in my life – Holidays or not, Funk or not.

So the $64,000.00 (or should that be the 140lb) question is – HOW?

hmmmm… wellll… ummmm…

Well, part of the problem is my complete lack of desire to get off the couch, let alone leave the house and hit the gym (sadly I’ve worked from home for the past 3 weeks because of this).

I know this “funk” sounds more like depression, and although I’m sure it is depression, I’m going to continue calling it the funk, and try to work through it without meds.

So the first order of business is to get my ass off the couch and away from the TV AND the Internet.  That means going into the office instead of working at home, and it means NO MORE cancelling sessions with the Evil Trainer!

For the rest of December, those are my only goals –

  • Go into the office
  • Don’t cancel sessions with the Evil Trainer
  • Do 20 minutes of cardio before each session with ET

I can safely say there is not a chance in hell that I will reach my original goal of 299 by my birthday in March, so I’m letting that now very unrealistic goal go.  I will now be happy if I weigh in the 320’s on my birthday.  I’ll worry about the rest of the weight after that.  I’m guessing I’m still at about 355 now – I’ll weigh in Friday and get my measurements done as well.

And now for my current “issue” – please read this and join me in vowing to boycott the purchase of Ralph Lauren products.

HuffPo article on the issue:  Ralph Lauren Boycott:  Retaking Beauty

Facebook Page for boycott:  ATB Action Network Boycott of Ralph Lauren

In addition to my annual Holiday funk, I’m also stressed because the contract I’m working on is winding up, and I don’t have another job lined up.  I’m looking, and I’ve applied for some things, but still the stress…  It doesn’t help that I’m not terribly busy on the contract I’m working on now – I’m bored and boredom is not pretty on me.  It usually means spending WAY too much money.  Thankfully I’ve resisted that urge for the most part (Okay, there was an “incident” Saturday at a Yarn shop – but the bag was 25% off! ;)

Merry Christmas to me!!

I’m also glad I didn’t order the furniture I had planned on ordering – so I can squirrel away some money to keep me going until march or so if need be.  And Praise Jebus I have ZERO credit card debt!!  Just mortgage & car payment (and the monthly bills that go with living).  So I guess I could be in way worse shape.

Haven’t done well on the eating AT ALL the past week or so – there were 2 binges (thankfully no purges), but today was a better day.  Haven’t worked out at all for over a week, haven’t done much of anything at all.  Of course it’s been bitterly cold here for the past 4 or 5 days so that just makes me want to curl up under a blanket and watch movies.

And at this time of the year the movies are all the happily-ever-after movies (okay, I admit I do watch the stupid damn Lifetime movies), which adds to the holiday funk.  But they are like crack to me – no matter how shitty they are, and they are almost always shitty.

So I’m just going to hang in there and try to do better or at the very least, try not to do worse.  And thanks all for the lovely encouraging comments – they are much appreciated!

I do not want the funk, nor do I gotta have the funk….

But the funk is what I have nonetheless…  *sigh*

There’s the typical “I’m going to die alone and won’t be found for months” thoughts… The low level constant anxiety about nothing I can really put my finger on, but it ties my stomach up in knots anyway.  And of course the urge to binge.  Having a hard time fighting that one, and I came VERY close to giving in yesterday and wallowing around in god knows what food… What food I have eaten yesterday and today has been utter CRAP.

God I hate the holidays….

I know I’ll snap out of it, I always do – it just feels really dark right now…

I’m also tired of thinking about my weight, and losing my weight, and exercise, and “good” food.  It’s so exhausting to always be focused on it, and it doesn’t feel healthy or sane.  I think I need to put my energy and focus on something else.  I don’t intend to abandon the weight-loss journey, but something needs to change… don’t know what though…