Let’s just say that 50,000 units of Vitamin D a day has some unpleasant side effects.  And it’s only been ONE WEEK!  *sigh*

I was chatting with one of the other trainers at the gym and told him about my Vitamin D related “issues” – and he told me about a Chiropractor/Kinesiologist he sees and suggested I try him.  So I’m pondering it.  Not planning on ignoring what my doctor is telling me, I’m thinking of the other doctor being more of an augment to my health plans.

I’m also in the midst of my third day of anxiety attacks about my upcoming unemployment – so there have been A LOT of sweets consumed, which also makes me feel like SHITE.  I’ve got a line on a couple different jobs, but who knows if they will come to anything.

I told the Evil Trainer when I saw him today that if I’m still unemployed at the end of March, I’m going to have to stop seeing him until I get a job.  I’ll talk with HP tomorrow about Pilates – I’m paid up for I think 5-6 more sessions, so if I don’t have a job by the time I have used those up, no more Pilates either.  But I’m hoping it won’t come to that!

Realistically Thursday is my last day working.  I need to talk to the partner at the company I’m subcontracting to about how to handle support after that – but right now she’s dealing with a husband in the hospital because of his Crohns, and a daughter who’s also dealing with serious problems because of Crohns, so I just don’t feel right bringing her MY drama.  Honestly I don’t know how she handles everything life has thrown at her the past 4-5 months.  I’m just thankful I have my health!  You can always find work, but good health is a whole lot harder to regain

Still struggling BIG TIME with getting my eating under control – I just give up most days.  No  – I have not been spending days in the arms of Pizza or Fast Food, but I haven’t been eating healthy in spite of my vow to do so.

I think part of the problem is the clutter in my house – EVERYWHERE!  It currently just feels overwhelming so I just watch TV or knit and try to ignore it – which means I don’t want to cook because then I’d have MORE to clean.  I’m not at risk for being on Hoarders yet – but it’s far worse than I ever let it get.  It helps keep my stress level high…  But it looks like I’ll have some time in March to put things in order – I’ll have to do SOMETHING to pass the days – hopefully something other than sitting on the couch….

Okay – off to soak in the tub and try to relax in the hopes I can sleep tonight…

Usually I’m a BIG fan of cold and snow – but I’m so ready for spring… Thankfully the days are getting longer and it’s no longer dark at 4 in the afternoon!  But I’m ready for green and gardening and rain.

I think a lot of my longing for spring is because of the bad winter funk I’ve been dealing with.  But I have to admit I *think* the antidepressant has started to help.  I don’t feel like I’m full of rainbows and puppies, but I’m definitely feeling less dark.  But the cold just makes me want to stay curled up under a blanket in front of the fire.

So with it snowing here in Denver, and me only working a half day at home, guess where I didn’t go?  That’s right!  The gym… for cardio.  But I’m bringing my workout gear with me tomorrow and I’m stopping at the gym on the way home – PINKY SWEAR!

Looks like I may have an interview for a job this week.  And hopefully another one I was submitted for as well.  I’ve learned to not get my hopes up, so I guess I’ll see if either pans out…  I’m not a pessimist, I just firmly believe if I get all hopeful and confident, I’ll jinx things.  :)

And I’m still trying to figure out how to get my focus & motivation back.  I’ve been “trying” to lose weight since August of 2009, and I’ve lost just under 15 pounds and 21″ – and while the inch loss is wonderful, the pounds lost is pathetic!  I know I can do better if I can just somehow motivate myself.  I’m hoping that doing the cardio and seeing progress with it (i.e., endurance) will help.

Was AWESOME!  She talked to me like I was more than a number on the scale, and didn’t write off anything I was concerned about with a “well, exercise and lose the weight and you’ll be fine”….  I honestly didn’t think such a doctor existed because in almost 29 39 49 years I have NEVER encountered one.  I’m still in a state of shock!

I didn’t get a physical today – she talked to me about how I was feeling, what I was concerned about, things like that.  And since I have been more than a little concerned about my anxiety & “funk” – and after some discussion – I decided  to give anti-depressants a try – Lexapro specifically.  I don’t like the thought of taking them, but I don’t like how I’ve been feeling even more.

I go back for my physical and lady parts check on April 5.  Hopefully I’ll like her just as much after that.

Oh – and she had a good “vampire” – didn’t even leave a bruise where she took the blood, and that’s a rarity with me.

I’m hoping this will be the light at the end of the tunnel instead of an oncoming train.  :)

It’s Monday and the wind won’t stop blowing here (and it’s a damn cold wind too!) and all I want is to eat sweets…  Seriously!  To the point of pondering mixing up some powdered sugar glaze and eating it with a spoon…  That’s just not right… And fruit is not helping as a substitute for something sweet and sugary… And because I don’t keep sweets in the house, I have nothing to satisfy the cravings… Other than homemade glaze  ;)

I had a wonderful dinner (Thai Coconut Curry with Pork from The Organic Dish) – but now I want something sweet…  Sorry to obsess…

Still looking for a job – I’ve applied for quite a few and I may have a possible good lead, but we will see how that pans out.  I’m stressed still, but trying to relax about it.  Being all wound up in knots won’t help me find a job faster, and I’ve got some savings…  So I’ll just keep looking.

I’m feeling a little less dark mentally – perhaps the funk is passing, tho it’s sure to make a comeback for VD.

On the plus side, plans for being made for the annual birthday debauchery!  Drag Queen Bingo has become the tradition for my birthday.  There’s Drag Queens, Drinking, Bingo, Bar Food, Door Prizes, AND the Bingo Wig of Shame – how can you go wrong??  :D   This year the festivities will be on Friday, Mar 12.  And as you can tell I’m already looking forward to it!  Last year I think we may have been a bigger show than the Drag Queens who were calling Bingo.

And the BGBF and I discussed plans for what I will only refer to know as my 2011 birthday (I prefer NOT to think of the age I’ll be turning!) – and the plans involve a PARTY BUS!!!!

You may be thinking I’ve given up on the weight loss – I haven’t at all.  I’m just trying to not make it the entire focus of my life – makes me too crazy.

Okay – I need to go find something to distract me from the sugar cravings….

Weighed in this morning.  And I’m down to 349.8 – which means that 2 weeks of my “hard” (yeah, that’s sarcasm) work, I lost a whopping .4 pounds… At this rate I’ll reach my goal a couple weeks after I’m dead…

But it’s truly not that surprising given all the time I’ve spent with Fast Food and Pizza since the first of the year…actually I should be happy I haven’t gained…

Might I add I’m really tired of being in such a downer mood all the damn time…  I don’t even want to listen to my endless whining let alone subject others to it.

I’m just going to keep trudging along, and hope that I snap the hell out of this (or that I get medicated the hell out of this).

I see the Evil Trainer twice this week, and I have Pilates Saturday morning.  ET is working on my knee to help me strengthen it AND to help me be able to straighten it (it’s always slightly bent) – and HP is working on strengthening my inner thigh muscles (the adductors I believe).  And they BOTH are laying a world of hurt on me – but for the best reasons…

They both keep telling me the hardest part is just showing up – and I’m trying really hard to not only show up but to actually be present.  I’m better at being present with HP – because Pilates takes so damn much focus.  But I do tend to check out sometimes with ET…

Feeling only slightly less “dark” than yesterday, and I almost broke into tears when I was working with the Evil Trainer today (for NO reason), and I purged last night (dammit!)…

BUT I’ve made an appointment with a doctor.  Haven’t been happy with my old doctor so I picked a new one which a friend recommended – and it turns out she’s been one of the top rated Denver docs… So maybe she will actually do more than just tell me that losing weight will fix everything.

I also made an appointment for a mammogram, and a dental appointment as well.  And if I can figure out if my insurance will pay for a dermatologist visit for a mole check, I’ll be making that appointment as well.  I’m paying what seems like an obscene amount for insurance, so I’m going to use every single benefit I can!

The Evil Trainer is worried about me – he hugged me when we were done today – and hugging is something he and I don’t do.  We cuss each other, call each other names, flip the bird, etc, but never hug…so I almost cried from that….damn him…

I have Pilates tomorrow morning and again on Saturday morning, and i’ve seen the Evil Trainer twice this week already (he’s going hunting AGAIN).  So I’m trying to force myself to keep these appointments rather than just sit home alone watching TV.

I applied for yet another job today – and I’ve got a call to return tomorrow from a recruiter.  Butbased on past experiences with these kinds of calls, I’m not putting any hope into it.  It seems they usually are just collecting names & resumes.

I also am trying to think ‘out of the box’ with a job – I explored the openings at the hospitals in my area (I live in a hospital-rich area) – but although I did find a couple tech jobs I could do, they aren’t jobs I’d want to do… So I’ll just keep looking and trying to identify companies I’d like to work for… Nothing much more I can do other than keep trying…

I guess that’s enough mindless rambling….

Things just are not right with me lately.  It’s not a weight thing, it’s something else, something more.  And as much as I HATE it, I think it’s time for a trip to the doctor.

I just feel like crap all the time – no matter how well or poorly I eat, and I’m tired all the time.  It just kind of feels like I’m sleepwalking through my life right now.  I don’t want to go anywhere or do anything, but I do force myself to.  But even when it seems like I’m enjoying myself, it just feels so fake and forced, and all I want to do is go home and be alone.

I know I’m horribly stressed over not having a job lined up when the current contracting gig ends.  Throw in a little perimenopause, and voila!  You have a complete basket case named Moi…


Sorry to be such a downer, but I don’t have any sunshine and happiness to dish up.

I’ll call the doctor tomorrow…