It’s been a pretty crappy year since I last blogged…  My Dad died suddenly last April, my Mom has Alzheimers, work has been hell (tho, thankfully I have been working – no unemployment at all), I still feel like ass, and yeah, that pretty much sums things up.

I don’t know where I was at weight-wise this time last year, but I think I’m pretty much at the same place – haven’t had to buy any bigger clothes at least.  I’m trying to get back on track with the Evil Trainer, and Pilates, and Cardio – if for no other reason than the hope it will help me feel better.  Next Monday I start doing water workouts from 6-7am twice a week for 3 months at the Rec Center – the hours suck, but what are you gonna do.  I’m shooting for seeing the Evil Trainer on Tues & Thurs, and then Pilates on Saturday.  Friday & Sunday I get to rest.

Oh yeah, and I turn 50 in 10 days, and I just got my first membership offer from AARP in the mail yesterday.  BLARGH!!!!

Well aren’t I just a little ray of sunshine?  :)

For the next 2 months, my goals with the Trainer are modest – and they mostly involve me just moving more, and staying away from the pizza binges & junk food.  No weight loss goals at all.  We are easing me back into things.  Starting completely over – rather than dwelling on the past.  And I think that is a very good way to get me going again.  I guess he does sometimes know what he’s talking about…  Though I can never admit that to him  ;)

I’m also looking into therapy – seriously.  I thought I had found a place, but they only do Intensive Outpatient Therapy – and that translates to 4 hours a day, 5 days a week.  But they had a recommendation for another place, and that as it turns out is right across the street from where I work (well, until my office moves in 2 weeks – but it will still be close enough for a lunch session if needed).

I have some travel plans in the Spring, and I’m pondering a week at Lake Austin Resort & Spa in the Fall – a little health & relaxation trip just for me.  It’s kind of pricey, but I’m thinking it will be my 50th birthday present to myself.  I saw it on the first 5 episodes of Heavy on A&E and it just looks LOVELY!

Usually I’m a BIG fan of cold and snow – but I’m so ready for spring… Thankfully the days are getting longer and it’s no longer dark at 4 in the afternoon!  But I’m ready for green and gardening and rain.

I think a lot of my longing for spring is because of the bad winter funk I’ve been dealing with.  But I have to admit I *think* the antidepressant has started to help.  I don’t feel like I’m full of rainbows and puppies, but I’m definitely feeling less dark.  But the cold just makes me want to stay curled up under a blanket in front of the fire.

So with it snowing here in Denver, and me only working a half day at home, guess where I didn’t go?  That’s right!  The gym… for cardio.  But I’m bringing my workout gear with me tomorrow and I’m stopping at the gym on the way home – PINKY SWEAR!

Looks like I may have an interview for a job this week.  And hopefully another one I was submitted for as well.  I’ve learned to not get my hopes up, so I guess I’ll see if either pans out…  I’m not a pessimist, I just firmly believe if I get all hopeful and confident, I’ll jinx things.  :)

And I’m still trying to figure out how to get my focus & motivation back.  I’ve been “trying” to lose weight since August of 2009, and I’ve lost just under 15 pounds and 21″ – and while the inch loss is wonderful, the pounds lost is pathetic!  I know I can do better if I can just somehow motivate myself.  I’m hoping that doing the cardio and seeing progress with it (i.e., endurance) will help.

Four days in a row of the Evil Trainer or Pilates, this sums up how I feel…

EVERYTHING hurts right now… But I survived…

No Pilates next Saturday – HP is out of town, but I’m going to try and see her during the week if I can make the scheduling work… Man I HOPE I see a nice difference in measurements after all this pain.

Weighed in this morning.  And I’m down to 349.8 – which means that 2 weeks of my “hard” (yeah, that’s sarcasm) work, I lost a whopping .4 pounds… At this rate I’ll reach my goal a couple weeks after I’m dead…

But it’s truly not that surprising given all the time I’ve spent with Fast Food and Pizza since the first of the year…actually I should be happy I haven’t gained…

Might I add I’m really tired of being in such a downer mood all the damn time…  I don’t even want to listen to my endless whining let alone subject others to it.

I’m just going to keep trudging along, and hope that I snap the hell out of this (or that I get medicated the hell out of this).

I see the Evil Trainer twice this week, and I have Pilates Saturday morning.  ET is working on my knee to help me strengthen it AND to help me be able to straighten it (it’s always slightly bent) – and HP is working on strengthening my inner thigh muscles (the adductors I believe).  And they BOTH are laying a world of hurt on me – but for the best reasons…

They both keep telling me the hardest part is just showing up – and I’m trying really hard to not only show up but to actually be present.  I’m better at being present with HP – because Pilates takes so damn much focus.  But I do tend to check out sometimes with ET…

No, not “that” groove…  My weight loss groove.

I’m tired of feeling sorry for myself because I’m not losing the weight.  I’m tired of the excuses, and feeling like a failure.  So enough bitching and moaning.  Time to focus on being positive and on making good changes in my life – Holidays or not, Funk or not.

So the $64,000.00 (or should that be the 140lb) question is – HOW?

hmmmm… wellll… ummmm…

Well, part of the problem is my complete lack of desire to get off the couch, let alone leave the house and hit the gym (sadly I’ve worked from home for the past 3 weeks because of this).

I know this “funk” sounds more like depression, and although I’m sure it is depression, I’m going to continue calling it the funk, and try to work through it without meds.

So the first order of business is to get my ass off the couch and away from the TV AND the Internet.  That means going into the office instead of working at home, and it means NO MORE cancelling sessions with the Evil Trainer!

For the rest of December, those are my only goals –

  • Go into the office
  • Don’t cancel sessions with the Evil Trainer
  • Do 20 minutes of cardio before each session with ET

I can safely say there is not a chance in hell that I will reach my original goal of 299 by my birthday in March, so I’m letting that now very unrealistic goal go.  I will now be happy if I weigh in the 320’s on my birthday.  I’ll worry about the rest of the weight after that.  I’m guessing I’m still at about 355 now – I’ll weigh in Friday and get my measurements done as well.

And now for my current “issue” – please read this and join me in vowing to boycott the purchase of Ralph Lauren products.

HuffPo article on the issue:  Ralph Lauren Boycott:  Retaking Beauty

Facebook Page for boycott:  ATB Action Network Boycott of Ralph Lauren

I do not want the funk, nor do I gotta have the funk….

But the funk is what I have nonetheless…  *sigh*

There’s the typical “I’m going to die alone and won’t be found for months” thoughts… The low level constant anxiety about nothing I can really put my finger on, but it ties my stomach up in knots anyway.  And of course the urge to binge.  Having a hard time fighting that one, and I came VERY close to giving in yesterday and wallowing around in god knows what food… What food I have eaten yesterday and today has been utter CRAP.

God I hate the holidays….

I know I’ll snap out of it, I always do – it just feels really dark right now…

I’m also tired of thinking about my weight, and losing my weight, and exercise, and “good” food.  It’s so exhausting to always be focused on it, and it doesn’t feel healthy or sane.  I think I need to put my energy and focus on something else.  I don’t intend to abandon the weight-loss journey, but something needs to change… don’t know what though…

I’d like to say I got back up on the wagon, but that would be a ginormous LIE.  :)  I don’t even want to discuss the details, but suffice it to say the past few days have NOT been pretty at all.  Although to my credit, there was NO pizza, NO fast food, and NO diet soda… So I got that going for me…

I have been debating all week whether or not to weigh in Friday, and I’ve finally decided it’s better to know how much damage I’ve caused myself…  *sigh*  However, tomorrow isn’t the measurement day with the Evil Trainer – that is actually the FIRST Friday of the month, so mine will be a week from tomorrow…that’s also the day I had the goal of reaching 350…  Wish me luck!

I’m also a bit annoyed, and I’ve decided to get it off my chest rather than stew about it, so here goes.

Someone made some comments about my last posting – you can’t read them because I haven’t approved them.  And I haven’t approved them because they PISS ME OFF!!!

Basically this person lectured me on the choices I made for my party and the subsequent snacking….lectured me like my mother used to.  And OF COURSE this person has the answer for all my dieting woes… Apparently I have to give up all milk, eggs, meat, and replace it all with tofu and roasted veggies…  Frankly I’d rather be fat.  And I’m sorry, but anyone who thinks vegan=thin is delusional – I know fat vegans…

You know I’m sure this person meant well, but I don’t know how ANYONE who has truly battled any kind of weight problem could ever think that that kind of sanctimonious bullshit helps!  IT DOESN’T!  What it does do is piss people off, and if you are an emotional eater (Hi, I’m Pam, I’m an emotional eater) it makes you EAT, or at the very least it makes you want to eat.

Frankly don’t know if I will ever approve this person’s comments… They certainly weren’t helpful to me, and I wouldn’t want to spread that kind of crap to the people who are on the same journey, fighting the same demons…

Sorry this post is so negative…  I’ll be better tomorrow… I see the Evil Trainer for 1.5 hours, so I”ll be too tired to be bitchy  ;)