Well hello 50…

I’ve spent a lot of time today thinking.  I don’t know if I mentioned this in past posts, but I’m adopted.  I was adopted when I was a baby, and in the past year I’ve thought more and more about finding out about my birth parents.  I have the information that Catholic Charities provided my parents, but after reading The Girls Who Went Away: The Hidden History of Women Who Surrendered Children for Adoption in the Decades Before Roe v. Wade, I have to wonder if the information is true (college students who just weren’t ready to have a family).  In the state I live in, if your adoption was finalized between July 1, 1951 and June 30, 1967, all you have to do is fill out a form, and send it along with $37.75 and “A certified copy of the original Colorado birth certificate, if located, will be issued along with copies of the contents of the sealed file.”  So I filled out the form 2 weeks ago, and just finally dropped it in the mail yesterday.  Now begins the wait.

Deep in my heart I’m hoping the contents of the file will contain a letter or something from one of my birth parents, however in reality, I really don’t believe it will.

It’s not like I want to find them to confront them about why they gave me up, although I would love to hear the story from them; what I really want is to see what they look like.  I just really would like to see someone that I look like!  Medical history would be nice as well.

I don’t know if I would have the guts to contact them once I have their info, and the sad reason why is I don’t want yet another set of parents disappointed in my because of my weight.  It’s bad enough that I dealt with that my whole life with Mom & Dad.  Of course it’s also an indication of how messed up I am in my head about the weight.  I KNOW it doesn’t make me a bad person, or less than deserving of love, but when you hear that your whole life from everyone, it’s hard not to take it in and make it true.  :(

So at any rate, I should have the file in the next thirty days, and I’ll decide then what my next steps will be.  Catholic Charities has search and reunification programs – it costs $725.  I have a friend who went through this process back in the state she was adopted in, they found her birth mother, and her birth mother declined to see her, and would only provide medical history.  She hasn’t made contact yet with her birth father, and I’m not sure that she is still trying.  And that has to hurt.  I’m not sure I could deal with that hurt.  Although I don’t feel being adopted means I was rejected, if I were to find them and they were to refuse to see me, that WOULD feel like rejection, and that would hurt…

Ah – nothing like obsessing over things that may never happen…

I’m thinking it’s the combination of the non-generic Thyroid Meds and working out.  Because I’m feeling closer to normal than I have in years!  And that makes me very very happy.

It also makes me very very happy that I have the next two days off!!!  Today I had a lovely pre-birthday day with my BGBF – we had a nice meal out and yakked and knitted.  Nice and relaxing.  And apparently exhausting for my boy Angus – he’s dead asleep and snoring up a storm!  I am dreading having to be at water aerobics at 6am with the hated spring time change…  I woke up this morning at what I thought was 9 or maybe 10am, but lo and behold – it was 11!  I already want my hour back…  *grumble*

Tomorrow for my birthday I get to have lunch with a good friend, and then I go see my mom for a bit, and then I get to relax.  And Tuesday the only plans I have are to see the Evil Trainer.  I’m trying really hard to not focus on my age, but honest to God, 50 is really freaking me out!  It’s not like I look (or act) my age, I just can’t believe how fast 50 snuck up on me.  So I need to keep myself busy so I don’t fall into my habit of eating when I’m bothered about stuff.  Oh and I am also going to call the therapist I’ve been playing phone tag with to see if I can get an appointment scheduled.