It’s been a rough few years…  At the end of April 2011, my dad died – and sometimes I think I’m still pulling myself back up after that.  Then the beginning of April 2013 my sweet Angus died.  I now officially HATE April!  My Mom also moved to what I call assisted living, but in reality it’s more of a nursing home.  But she’s doing really well there – although she hates April as much as I do…

I’ve also been seeing a therapist – for almost 2 years now I believe – it started out that I wanted to get approved for WLS, and it’s turned into I really want to fix my food issues.  Some progress has been made – it’s been just over 1 year since my last purge (YAY!), my binges are less frequent and less “bad” as well.  I’m still struggling with mindless eating and overeating – but I’m working on it!  I see her one day a week and as much as I hate it sometimes (like last week), in the end I do feel better after seeing her.

I think my weight has stayed pretty much where it was the last time I wrote – in other words more than I want to be carrying around daily.  And I can honestly say that it is effecting my quality of life – which is why I’m still pondering WLS.  But the shrink has to give the okay for that to happen.  So it’s something I try to not obsess over.

I still see the Evil Trainer – though not as often as I should – and he’s still hopeful that I can lose the weight and keep it off!  Bless his twisted little heart.  My big hang-up is knee pain – it has started to affect every aspect of my life.  So I’m doing a once weekly (for now) water aerobics class to see if that helps, and next week I’m seeing a PT to see if she can help as well.  If I had less pain, I think I’d be more active.

I’m working at a different job than I was last time I blogged – it’s not a dream job by any means, but I’ve decided it would be good for me to hang in rather than cut and run.  It gives me the freedom to see the shrink, not to mention it’s not too far from her office – so I’m staying for now.

After Angus died, it was just too lonely going home to an empty house – so I found a new boy to love.  He’s a (now) 9-year old, 180-lb, English Mastiff named Dutch.  And he’s just the biggest, sweetest goober!  He came from a giant breed rescue – Big Dogs Hugs Paws – and I couldn’t love him more.  He’s been with me almost a year now.

So that’s me today…

I have an appointment this Thursday to meet the doctor who I’ll be getting the colonscopy from – I’m hoping she will tell me I have some alternative other than the damn IV (yeah, still freaked out about that!).  But since I don’t have any family medical history because I’m adopted, I try to do the thing I need to do when I’m supposed to do them – EVEN IF IVs ARE INVOLVED…

Besides I’ve got a brand new thing to stress about for the next week.  Took my big beautiful boxer boy Angus to the vet today for his yearly checkup, and to have the vet look at a growth he has on one of his back toes.  Well, she thinks it’s a big melanoma and so on Monday he’s having surgery to have it removed, and to have his gums lasered back from his teeth.  Yeah, you heard me right, his gums grow over his teeth – it’s called Gingival Hyperplasia, and boxers are prone to it – this will be his second time getting lasered.  The surgeries will mean 10 days of baby food (for his dental work) for Angus and 2 weeks of him not being able to go to daycare (while his foot heals) – and no daycare makes one unhappy doggie.  :(

But on a happier note, my new top bar beehive is en route!  Have I mentioned I’m going to try beekeeping??  I’m very excited to get it placed and get my back garden all ready for bees!!!



Had my yearly physical today, and of course there was much discussion of my A1C number.  Long story short, exercise, eat better, no “white” foods, and 2x daily blood glucose testing.  All pretty much as I had expected.  The doctor did NOT agree with my insistence that fake sugar (ALL fake sugars) are worse for a person than real sugar.  (I’m sorry that crap cannot be good for a person).

So what is it that has the voices spun up and freaked out you may well ask…

Well, I turned 5o in March, and since it’s not bad enough being 50, I now get to schedule myself for a colonoscopy.  Okay, also knew that was coming.  BUT what I didn’t know, and what has me totally freaked is that there is an IV involved!  OMFG – the worst nightmare of all for me is a friggin’ IV!!!!!  I do not have any idea of how I’m going to get my voices to settle the hell down about that.  Just thinking about it makes me lightheaded.

Clearly 50 is going to be a sucky year filled with an assortment of needles.  boo…

The Endo did an A1C test on me last week because my Blood Glucose was a little high on my previous blood work (101)…  and as I feared, the news was not good.  I expected that I’d be “slightly” pre-diabetic, but with an A1C of 6.2 I’m at the high end and too damn close to diabetic.  So it’s REALLY time to make the changes I keep yammering about.

I have my yearly physical with my PCP tomorrow, so I expect the main topic of discussion to be how to stop me from developing diabetes…


But at least I know, and I can do something about it before it gets worse.

The Endo says that “weight loss through improved diet and exercise is critical to prevent the development of diabetes”…  And he has promised to nag me about it too (I told him that was fair).   I’m just still in freaked out mode – I keep thinking of my Dad’s cousin who on one of her feet lost all of her toes and part of her foot because of her diabetes (not to mention the insulin injections).  That is NOT a road I want to be anywhere NEAR!

Good Lord the Evil Trainer was EXTRA Evil today!  My ass hurts, my legs hurt, my arms hurt, my shoulders hurt…  I am just a giant mass of hurt!  He’s going old skool on my ass – part of today’s torture involved a giant tractor tire and a sledge hammer… But if helps me reach my goal, then it’s what I gotta do.  All I can say is tomorrow morning’s water aerobics is gonna be very hurty.

I am NOT looking forward to going back to work tomorrow – these past two days have been soooo enjoyable.  But since I have yet to win powerball, I guess I have to go back.

I’d also like to say I’ve reached the following “Milestones”:

  1. 1 week since my last pop (diet or otherwise)
  2. 1 week since my last vending machine snack
  3. 2.2 weeks since my last pizza
  4. 58 days since my last fast food!!!!  :D

Well hello 50…

I’ve spent a lot of time today thinking.  I don’t know if I mentioned this in past posts, but I’m adopted.  I was adopted when I was a baby, and in the past year I’ve thought more and more about finding out about my birth parents.  I have the information that Catholic Charities provided my parents, but after reading The Girls Who Went Away: The Hidden History of Women Who Surrendered Children for Adoption in the Decades Before Roe v. Wade, I have to wonder if the information is true (college students who just weren’t ready to have a family).  In the state I live in, if your adoption was finalized between July 1, 1951 and June 30, 1967, all you have to do is fill out a form, and send it along with $37.75 and “A certified copy of the original Colorado birth certificate, if located, will be issued along with copies of the contents of the sealed file.”  So I filled out the form 2 weeks ago, and just finally dropped it in the mail yesterday.  Now begins the wait.

Deep in my heart I’m hoping the contents of the file will contain a letter or something from one of my birth parents, however in reality, I really don’t believe it will.

It’s not like I want to find them to confront them about why they gave me up, although I would love to hear the story from them; what I really want is to see what they look like.  I just really would like to see someone that I look like!  Medical history would be nice as well.

I don’t know if I would have the guts to contact them once I have their info, and the sad reason why is I don’t want yet another set of parents disappointed in my because of my weight.  It’s bad enough that I dealt with that my whole life with Mom & Dad.  Of course it’s also an indication of how messed up I am in my head about the weight.  I KNOW it doesn’t make me a bad person, or less than deserving of love, but when you hear that your whole life from everyone, it’s hard not to take it in and make it true.  :(

So at any rate, I should have the file in the next thirty days, and I’ll decide then what my next steps will be.  Catholic Charities has search and reunification programs – it costs $725.  I have a friend who went through this process back in the state she was adopted in, they found her birth mother, and her birth mother declined to see her, and would only provide medical history.  She hasn’t made contact yet with her birth father, and I’m not sure that she is still trying.  And that has to hurt.  I’m not sure I could deal with that hurt.  Although I don’t feel being adopted means I was rejected, if I were to find them and they were to refuse to see me, that WOULD feel like rejection, and that would hurt…

Ah – nothing like obsessing over things that may never happen…

I’m thinking it’s the combination of the non-generic Thyroid Meds and working out.  Because I’m feeling closer to normal than I have in years!  And that makes me very very happy.

It also makes me very very happy that I have the next two days off!!!  Today I had a lovely pre-birthday day with my BGBF – we had a nice meal out and yakked and knitted.  Nice and relaxing.  And apparently exhausting for my boy Angus – he’s dead asleep and snoring up a storm!  I am dreading having to be at water aerobics at 6am with the hated spring time change…  I woke up this morning at what I thought was 9 or maybe 10am, but lo and behold – it was 11!  I already want my hour back…  *grumble*

Tomorrow for my birthday I get to have lunch with a good friend, and then I go see my mom for a bit, and then I get to relax.  And Tuesday the only plans I have are to see the Evil Trainer.  I’m trying really hard to not focus on my age, but honest to God, 50 is really freaking me out!  It’s not like I look (or act) my age, I just can’t believe how fast 50 snuck up on me.  So I need to keep myself busy so I don’t fall into my habit of eating when I’m bothered about stuff.  Oh and I am also going to call the therapist I’ve been playing phone tag with to see if I can get an appointment scheduled.