Had my yearly physical today, and of course there was much discussion of my A1C number.  Long story short, exercise, eat better, no “white” foods, and 2x daily blood glucose testing.  All pretty much as I had expected.  The doctor did NOT agree with my insistence that fake sugar (ALL fake sugars) are worse for a person than real sugar.  (I’m sorry that crap cannot be good for a person).

So what is it that has the voices spun up and freaked out you may well ask…

Well, I turned 5o in March, and since it’s not bad enough being 50, I now get to schedule myself for a colonoscopy.  Okay, also knew that was coming.  BUT what I didn’t know, and what has me totally freaked is that there is an IV involved!  OMFG – the worst nightmare of all for me is a friggin’ IV!!!!!  I do not have any idea of how I’m going to get my voices to settle the hell down about that.  Just thinking about it makes me lightheaded.

Clearly 50 is going to be a sucky year filled with an assortment of needles.  boo…

The Endo did an A1C test on me last week because my Blood Glucose was a little high on my previous blood work (101)…  and as I feared, the news was not good.  I expected that I’d be “slightly” pre-diabetic, but with an A1C of 6.2 I’m at the high end and too damn close to diabetic.  So it’s REALLY time to make the changes I keep yammering about.

I have my yearly physical with my PCP tomorrow, so I expect the main topic of discussion to be how to stop me from developing diabetes…


But at least I know, and I can do something about it before it gets worse.

The Endo says that “weight loss through improved diet and exercise is critical to prevent the development of diabetes”…  And he has promised to nag me about it too (I told him that was fair).   I’m just still in freaked out mode – I keep thinking of my Dad’s cousin who on one of her feet lost all of her toes and part of her foot because of her diabetes (not to mention the insulin injections).  That is NOT a road I want to be anywhere NEAR!

Well hello 50…

I’ve spent a lot of time today thinking.  I don’t know if I mentioned this in past posts, but I’m adopted.  I was adopted when I was a baby, and in the past year I’ve thought more and more about finding out about my birth parents.  I have the information that Catholic Charities provided my parents, but after reading The Girls Who Went Away: The Hidden History of Women Who Surrendered Children for Adoption in the Decades Before Roe v. Wade, I have to wonder if the information is true (college students who just weren’t ready to have a family).  In the state I live in, if your adoption was finalized between July 1, 1951 and June 30, 1967, all you have to do is fill out a form, and send it along with $37.75 and “A certified copy of the original Colorado birth certificate, if located, will be issued along with copies of the contents of the sealed file.”  So I filled out the form 2 weeks ago, and just finally dropped it in the mail yesterday.  Now begins the wait.

Deep in my heart I’m hoping the contents of the file will contain a letter or something from one of my birth parents, however in reality, I really don’t believe it will.

It’s not like I want to find them to confront them about why they gave me up, although I would love to hear the story from them; what I really want is to see what they look like.  I just really would like to see someone that I look like!  Medical history would be nice as well.

I don’t know if I would have the guts to contact them once I have their info, and the sad reason why is I don’t want yet another set of parents disappointed in my because of my weight.  It’s bad enough that I dealt with that my whole life with Mom & Dad.  Of course it’s also an indication of how messed up I am in my head about the weight.  I KNOW it doesn’t make me a bad person, or less than deserving of love, but when you hear that your whole life from everyone, it’s hard not to take it in and make it true.  :(

So at any rate, I should have the file in the next thirty days, and I’ll decide then what my next steps will be.  Catholic Charities has search and reunification programs – it costs $725.  I have a friend who went through this process back in the state she was adopted in, they found her birth mother, and her birth mother declined to see her, and would only provide medical history.  She hasn’t made contact yet with her birth father, and I’m not sure that she is still trying.  And that has to hurt.  I’m not sure I could deal with that hurt.  Although I don’t feel being adopted means I was rejected, if I were to find them and they were to refuse to see me, that WOULD feel like rejection, and that would hurt…

Ah – nothing like obsessing over things that may never happen…

It’s been a pretty crappy year since I last blogged…  My Dad died suddenly last April, my Mom has Alzheimers, work has been hell (tho, thankfully I have been working – no unemployment at all), I still feel like ass, and yeah, that pretty much sums things up.

I don’t know where I was at weight-wise this time last year, but I think I’m pretty much at the same place – haven’t had to buy any bigger clothes at least.  I’m trying to get back on track with the Evil Trainer, and Pilates, and Cardio – if for no other reason than the hope it will help me feel better.  Next Monday I start doing water workouts from 6-7am twice a week for 3 months at the Rec Center – the hours suck, but what are you gonna do.  I’m shooting for seeing the Evil Trainer on Tues & Thurs, and then Pilates on Saturday.  Friday & Sunday I get to rest.

Oh yeah, and I turn 50 in 10 days, and I just got my first membership offer from AARP in the mail yesterday.  BLARGH!!!!

Well aren’t I just a little ray of sunshine?  :)

For the next 2 months, my goals with the Trainer are modest – and they mostly involve me just moving more, and staying away from the pizza binges & junk food.  No weight loss goals at all.  We are easing me back into things.  Starting completely over – rather than dwelling on the past.  And I think that is a very good way to get me going again.  I guess he does sometimes know what he’s talking about…  Though I can never admit that to him  ;)

I’m also looking into therapy – seriously.  I thought I had found a place, but they only do Intensive Outpatient Therapy – and that translates to 4 hours a day, 5 days a week.  But they had a recommendation for another place, and that as it turns out is right across the street from where I work (well, until my office moves in 2 weeks – but it will still be close enough for a lunch session if needed).

I have some travel plans in the Spring, and I’m pondering a week at Lake Austin Resort & Spa in the Fall – a little health & relaxation trip just for me.  It’s kind of pricey, but I’m thinking it will be my 50th birthday present to myself.  I saw it on the first 5 episodes of Heavy on A&E and it just looks LOVELY!

Let’s just say that 50,000 units of Vitamin D a day has some unpleasant side effects.  And it’s only been ONE WEEK!  *sigh*

I was chatting with one of the other trainers at the gym and told him about my Vitamin D related “issues” – and he told me about a Chiropractor/Kinesiologist he sees and suggested I try him.  So I’m pondering it.  Not planning on ignoring what my doctor is telling me, I’m thinking of the other doctor being more of an augment to my health plans.

I’m also in the midst of my third day of anxiety attacks about my upcoming unemployment – so there have been A LOT of sweets consumed, which also makes me feel like SHITE.  I’ve got a line on a couple different jobs, but who knows if they will come to anything.

I told the Evil Trainer when I saw him today that if I’m still unemployed at the end of March, I’m going to have to stop seeing him until I get a job.  I’ll talk with HP tomorrow about Pilates – I’m paid up for I think 5-6 more sessions, so if I don’t have a job by the time I have used those up, no more Pilates either.  But I’m hoping it won’t come to that!

Realistically Thursday is my last day working.  I need to talk to the partner at the company I’m subcontracting to about how to handle support after that – but right now she’s dealing with a husband in the hospital because of his Crohns, and a daughter who’s also dealing with serious problems because of Crohns, so I just don’t feel right bringing her MY drama.  Honestly I don’t know how she handles everything life has thrown at her the past 4-5 months.  I’m just thankful I have my health!  You can always find work, but good health is a whole lot harder to regain

Still struggling BIG TIME with getting my eating under control – I just give up most days.  No  – I have not been spending days in the arms of Pizza or Fast Food, but I haven’t been eating healthy in spite of my vow to do so.

I think part of the problem is the clutter in my house – EVERYWHERE!  It currently just feels overwhelming so I just watch TV or knit and try to ignore it – which means I don’t want to cook because then I’d have MORE to clean.  I’m not at risk for being on Hoarders yet – but it’s far worse than I ever let it get.  It helps keep my stress level high…  But it looks like I’ll have some time in March to put things in order – I’ll have to do SOMETHING to pass the days – hopefully something other than sitting on the couch….

Okay – off to soak in the tub and try to relax in the hopes I can sleep tonight…

Was AWESOME!  She talked to me like I was more than a number on the scale, and didn’t write off anything I was concerned about with a “well, exercise and lose the weight and you’ll be fine”….  I honestly didn’t think such a doctor existed because in almost 29 39 49 years I have NEVER encountered one.  I’m still in a state of shock!

I didn’t get a physical today – she talked to me about how I was feeling, what I was concerned about, things like that.  And since I have been more than a little concerned about my anxiety & “funk” – and after some discussion – I decided  to give anti-depressants a try – Lexapro specifically.  I don’t like the thought of taking them, but I don’t like how I’ve been feeling even more.

I go back for my physical and lady parts check on April 5.  Hopefully I’ll like her just as much after that.

Oh – and she had a good “vampire” – didn’t even leave a bruise where she took the blood, and that’s a rarity with me.

I’m hoping this will be the light at the end of the tunnel instead of an oncoming train.  :)

Weighed in this morning.  And I’m down to 349.8 – which means that 2 weeks of my “hard” (yeah, that’s sarcasm) work, I lost a whopping .4 pounds… At this rate I’ll reach my goal a couple weeks after I’m dead…

But it’s truly not that surprising given all the time I’ve spent with Fast Food and Pizza since the first of the year…actually I should be happy I haven’t gained…

Might I add I’m really tired of being in such a downer mood all the damn time…  I don’t even want to listen to my endless whining let alone subject others to it.

I’m just going to keep trudging along, and hope that I snap the hell out of this (or that I get medicated the hell out of this).

I see the Evil Trainer twice this week, and I have Pilates Saturday morning.  ET is working on my knee to help me strengthen it AND to help me be able to straighten it (it’s always slightly bent) – and HP is working on strengthening my inner thigh muscles (the adductors I believe).  And they BOTH are laying a world of hurt on me – but for the best reasons…

They both keep telling me the hardest part is just showing up – and I’m trying really hard to not only show up but to actually be present.  I’m better at being present with HP – because Pilates takes so damn much focus.  But I do tend to check out sometimes with ET…

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