I do not want the funk, nor do I gotta have the funk….
But the funk is what I have nonetheless… *sigh*
There’s the typical “I’m going to die alone and won’t be found for months” thoughts… The low level constant anxiety about nothing I can really put my finger on, but it ties my stomach up in knots anyway. And of course the urge to binge. Having a hard time fighting that one, and I came VERY close to giving in yesterday and wallowing around in god knows what food… What food I have eaten yesterday and today has been utter CRAP.
God I hate the holidays….
I know I’ll snap out of it, I always do – it just feels really dark right now…
I’m also tired of thinking about my weight, and losing my weight, and exercise, and “good” food. It’s so exhausting to always be focused on it, and it doesn’t feel healthy or sane. I think I need to put my energy and focus on something else. I don’t intend to abandon the weight-loss journey, but something needs to change… don’t know what though…
2009/12/02 at 22:21
Girl- I know how you feel. ALL of us know how you feel. You have got to push through the funk. Even if you hate it, even if it seems pointless, you have got to stay the course. The desire will come back around; stay the course. You can do this. Holidays will come and go; temptations will come and go; frustrations and exhaustion will come and go. Energy and desire will come and go too. Try some new recipes, try some new workouts, talk to evil trainer and the pilates instructor and tell them you need tips on change cause you’re on the verge of burn out. And keep us posted! I hope you hold your head up…AND STAY THE COURSE.
2009/12/03 at 11:59
the holidays bring out the funk for me too. maybe it’s the commercialism and buying into all that crappy perfect stuff.
Stay strong – take it easy on yourself – and steady pushing through.
2009/12/04 at 06:37
Ohhhhh–“low-level constant anxiety” I know that feeling well. Often don’t even realize it’s there–until I feel myself relax and become able to take a deep breath. A person shouldn’t surprised to be able to breath, should they?
Re: too focused on diet. I know. I got that thought a little while ago on a day of reading blogs FULL of pictures of food and tweets obsessed with meals just eaten.
The thought kind of scared me because I was afraid it meant I was about to fall headfirst off of the wagon and into a puddle of rationalization. I didn’t. At least not so far…ahh, anxiety, still there aren’t you?…
The truth is that food is a huge temptation for me and I must maintain my DECISION to say no to overeating and, certainly, binging–but I don’t think I have to replace my food addiction with a food addiction! If you know what I mean–your post says you do.
I retweeted one of your latest tweets the other day because it was sooo where I was thinking–about if your focused on food, your not focused on life.
And that sentiment cuts both ways, doesn’t it? If I’m focused on my next dish of my binge food (or wallowing in it) or focused on my next healthy recipe–food’s got me.
I dont want food or anxiety to hold me–I want joy and freedom.
Thanks for your post. I’m so sorry you’re having a shadowey time–and I pray thatjoy arises–for us both!
Deb
2009/12/08 at 23:10
I hate the holidays, too, especially because we’re all expected to be in such a good mood. It’s the only time of year that I get panhandled, and they sure lay on the guilt with the merry xmases and god blesses, though I am single, alone, unemployed. I do live indoors, so that alone is much better.